Movie Review: The Christmas Tree

NOTE: This post is published for posterity. The post originally appeared on Silver Screen Serenade’s “Resolutions” blogathon. You can find the original post here.

What’s this nonsense about me doing a Christmas movie after the season (yes it is after the season, according to the liturgical calendar)? Well, I’ve heard some buzz about this being the worst Christmas special ever made. Figured I had nothing to lose as I’ve seen The Star Wars Holiday Special, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, and Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. Just how bad is it? Oh boy…

Abused orphans make a giant tree their friend as it glows brighter than an atomic bomb. The caretaker strips the children of their clothes and you watch it happen. Two kids get lost and go to the North Pole only to be attacked by Baloo from The Jungle Book. One kid dies, so it goes. The caretaker is electrocuted while trying to chop down the tree with a chainsaw through Santa’s powers(?). The kid is alive and so is the caretaker. I’m serious.

Think of the worst possible animated movie that you have ever seen in your life. That film, whatever that may be, is Citizen Kane compared to this. Trying to riff on this is downright difficult as all anyone will be asking is “WHAT?” That reaction is so strong that I bolded, italicized, AND underlined it.

It’s poorly animated, edited, and executed; executed like being at a guillotine but the blade has to come down multiple times because the head cannot fall off. There is no heart or soul. The voice acting is just weird and wrong. One orphan sounds like a teenager, another with some kind of weird alien filter, and another who has clearly had too much to drink but no one cut her off.

It’s utterly mindboggling, completely and utterly mindboggling how the caretaker behaves. If you concentrated the inconsiderate behavior of the staff members of Titanic, Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and the Grinch before he stole Christmas into some kind of concoction that is consumed with a medicine cup you find on a bottle of cough syrup, that’s the kind of character we’re dealing with.

You know how most Christmas specials have some kind of message about the true meaning of the season? Well, the message in this film deserves a Nobel Prize. Ready for this? “You always win when you are good.” Feel free to discuss this among yourselves.

It’s all on YouTube if you want to watch this, only 45 minutes of time you will never ever get back. Be afraid, be very afraid.

1/10

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